Heroin
by Amshea 3
Summary: Jack in a right state and in his depression he falls back on his addiction and something happens that wasn't quite planned. He gets unexpected help but will it be on time?
1. Default Chapter

The need. The need was far too great for him to ignore it. He looked around the room at the people who had come through for him on countless occasions and knew how much it would hurt them to know that they had failed.

Not necessarily that they cared about what happened to him, only that they had failed in keeping him safe as they were supposed to.

Everything seemed so stupid, so quaint, when he thought about it. Pointless, useless. _He_ felt useless, that he was here served little or no purpose what so ever. No matter what he did, no matter what the team did, there would always be terrorism, people would always be killed. So, what was the real point in being here?

It happened that he slipped into a deep melancholy and that it took a while for him to slip out of it, there were times where it seemed like his life had no purpose. To him or to others. It was in times like that when TC, his new partner, had to fish him out of it and show him the meaning again, to show him what good they really did here.

God, how he needed her now. But he couldn't turn to her, she wouldn't understand. She would blow him off as just another dirty junkie agent.

Not that the woman didn't have compassion, she possessed both empathy and sympathy and there was nothing she couldn't help him with… just not this.

He rubbed his face and looked in her direction. She was working with Tony and apparently felt his eyes on her because she turned to him and smiled.

A true friend, a confidant, someone he could trust… he had gotten all that back so why the hell did he feel like this? She was the rock he could lean on, his port in a storm. Her mere present had been enough to lift his spirit in times, so why the hell didn't he had the guts to tell her?

He didn't have guts at all when it came to her. He didn't dare to call her by the same name his coworkers did because it was the same name Kim's mother had held. He didn't dare to tell her how much she meant to him and he sure as hell didn't dare to tell her about his addiction.

But why? He had twisted and turned his head a hundred times and wondered what kind of powers this woman possessed that made him scared of telling her what was really on his mind.

She brushed by him and left the room.

Tony was talking to Kim. His sweet daughter who had experienced enough pain and misery to last a lifetime. What would it do to her if she found out that the need had returned? Would she turn her back on him and not care or would it tear her up?

He couldn't take the thoughts, the wondering, he couldn't withstand the need anymore so he got to his feet and left the room, heading for the garage.

"Where are you going?" asked TC as he approached his car.

"I just need to get away. Fill in for me, ok?"

"But Jack…"

He sped off before she got a chance to finish that sentence. He drove for a while till he got to the cabin at Big Bear. There he locked himself in and took a deep breath before he sunk down on the couch.

This had to end, dear God, this had to end or he would go insane or die.

He got out the things he needed from his little black medical bag and prepped the needle. He didn't want this but he had to have it.

The rubber band was tightened around his upper arm and he found a suitable vein to stick the needle into.

He took a deep breath and released it before he stuck the needle into the vein and freed the syringe of its contents. Then he leaned back and let everything be washed away.

He had no idea how long time had passed as all sense of time had been washed away but as he sat there he could see a person approaching him from the other room. At first he couldn't see clearly, only the blurry outline of a human being. As the person drew nearer he could see that it was a woman dressed in a floral summer dress.

He blinked as he was sure that it was his imagination playing a trick on him but the person kept coming for him as he opened his eyes again and now he could clearly see who it was.

"Teri."

"Yes, Jack." She smiled and crouched down beside him.

Now he knew that he was dreaming. She was dead. But he could feel her brushing his hair away from his eyes and caressing his cheek.

"You've really done it this time, darling" she said softly. Her eyes were filled with tears.

He reached out and dried the tears away and she leaned into the touch. "Why are you so sad?"

"It makes me sad to see what you are doing with your life, you know so much better than this."

"If I can't have you there, what's the point in going on? You have no idea how much I miss you."

"Yes, I do" She gave him another smile through the tears. "I know how much you miss me, I can see how loosing me has made you end your own life but you're still alive and you have so much to live for."

"What?" He spat the words out bitterly. It seemed like she was rejecting him.

"Kim needs you, Jack."

"She is engaged to be married, the last thing she needs is a failure, a looser like me."

"She has lost her mother, don't let her loose her father. She loves you so much and can't stand loosing you."

"I can't go on without you."

"Yes, you can. You have always been the strong one, don't let anyone change that. All you have to have is the will to live and the rest will follow. There's so many people who care about you, so many who will be there for you and all you need to do is to reach out your hand and they will pull you in."

"What's the point? Everything seems so pointless."

She kissed his forehead. "You are allowed to feel blue at times but don't say that it's pointless. What do you think would have happened if you weren't around?"

"It would have made no difference."

"It would, Jack. We could only speculate about what would have happened if you weren't around to stop the nuclear bomb, we can only speculate about what would have happened if you weren't there to stop Stephen Saunders."

"Two rights doesn't make up for the one wrong."

"Jack…" A tear ran down her cheek. "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you."

"What?"

"You have taken an overdose and you are going to die."

He stared at her. Then he brightened up. "Now we can be together."

She shook her head.

"Everything will be ok."

"No, they won't. You have done a terrible mistake." She got to her feet. "Come, I'll show you what will happen when you're not around to save the day."


	2. Part 2

She lead him back to CTU where Kim was trying hard to focus even though grief shone on her face.

Tony rubbed his face. He was hanging over Michelle's shoulder and staring at the computer. "We need those disks. Teri!"

Jack's new partner Theresa, or as he liked to call her, TC, hurried over to Tony. "What?"

"Do you have any idea where Jack kept those disks?"

"He kept pretty much everything close to the chest the past few days." She scratched the back of her neck, something she did when she felt cornered or uncomfortable. "I can see if I can find them but we went over the apartment at least ten times."

"Then go over it ten more times, we need those disks!"

"Tony!" said Michelle, outraged but TC just nodded submissively.

"The disks are not at the apartment, I hid them in the GPS system of the car" muttered Jack. He knew that they couldn't see him or hear him as this had not yet happened. This was after his death.

"They are never going to find the disks before it's too late and the virus you and your partner thought was completely destroyed will be released upon a small village just south of the border. Hundreds of people will die but they will be able to save thousands because they have come up with an antidote. But those hundreds of lives could have been spared if you hadn't decided to take your own."

He just looked down at the tip of his shoe. "How long after my death is this?"

"Two months. Kim is grieving because she has lost her child because of stress both of loosing her father and pressure from work."

"Jeez."

"When you died valuable information was lost with you and the people who cared about you were lost, not only because someone they could rely on was gone but because information they needed to save other lives died with you." She stared at him and saw that he was watching TC.

"Theresa Christine Lancaster, Half British, one third Mexican and one third Native American. She was the one who took the news the hardest."

He stared at Teri.

"She cared about you more than you could possibly imagine and she thought from the day she started working here that the two of you would be a indestructible team. She thought that the two of you were close friends, that the two of you could share everything. It was quite a shock for her to realize that you were a Heroin addict. She was completely devastated when she found out that the man she respected and everything but put up on a pedestal was nothing more than a-"

"Enough!" He didn't know how much more of this he could take.

"Not enough. This is purgatory, Jack. It's not a state of mind as you once thought, it is real. This is your punishment for your ultimate sin, ending your own life. You will watch and learn what will happen after your death."

"Please, it's enough to know that I could have prevented those people from dying."

"You could have prevented someone else's death as well."

He stared at her. "Please, no."

Suddenly they were in a dark and damp basement. It was hard to adjust the eyes to the darkness but after a while he could clearly see a rack, medieval style, in the middle of the room. His eyes fell on the person tied to the rack. "God, no."

"I'm afraid so. That's your friend, TC. The story leading up to this is that shortly after the case in Mexico she got a new partner. A good man but hardly of the caliber she was used to, he wasn't you. This will happen, with you dead or alive, the motive is just different. Anyhow; she is the most valuable agent CTU has at the moment and she is vital for the survival of the unit and terrorists know this and kidnap her."

"What organization?"

"I don't know. What difference does it make, you can't save her anyway, you're dead."

He ignored the fact that she was being harsh, he knew why. This was his punishment and he just had to kick it but he couldn't watch his partner, _his partner_ being tortured. "I have to stop this."

"You're _dead_, Jack."

"Please, I don't want to see this" he said as a man walked into the room.

"I'm afraid you have to."

The man walked up to TC. "Will you give me a word now?"

She opened her eyes and stared at him. She had a busted lip, several bruises and a black eye and her hair was sticky with blood. "Here's two; fuck you."

The man smiled before he slapped her across the face.

She winced from the pain and turned away from him.

"Please" begged Jack.

"You care about her, don't you?"

He stared at the woman on the rack. "She's a friend."

"She's more than that, isn't she? She's the source of a crush and the reason why this is so painful is because you never got a chance to love her."

He stared at her before he turned back to TC. He then took a deep breath. "I never forgot you."

"You are allowed to love again. You would be inhuman if you never looked at another woman again and she is truly worthy of you. Too bad the outcome is what it is."

"No, please…"

"I'm sorry, but you have to."

The man stepped over to the wheel at the side of the rack. Ropes that were tied to TC's wrists and ankles were connected to that wheel and one didn't need much imagination to know what would happen next. "You know, Lancaster, the rumor has it that victims suffering the rack are longer when they die than when they were first tied up to the rack."

"Don't believe everything you hear."

He turned the wheel slightly and she screamed in pain as the ropes tied around her limbs tightened and stretched her body.

Jack instantly turned away. "Not again, I can't listen to this again."

"Sing out, little songbird" said the torturist. "Tell me where the information is and I will let you die in peace."

"Yeah, the information he wants…" started Teri. "Kim has it. If she gives it up Kim will die."

He stared at TC and propped his ears up as her cries slowly faded to whimpers. He could only imagine the pain she had to endure.

"Fuck you!"

"Hmmm" muttered the torturist. "Not the answer I wanted." He turned to the table behind him. "Apparently the rack isn't enough to tame you. Perhaps this will help." He picked up a scalpel and showed it to TC. "What do you think, Lancaster? Do you want to talk now? Everyone has a breaking point."

"Good luck finding mine."

"Much obliged." He cut through her tank top with the scalpel and folded it aside to reveal naked skin before he started cutting her.

Her eyes reflected the pain she felt and she gasped but before she started screaming everything turned black.


	3. Part 3

Teri sat at her work station and played with the pencil she held in her hand. She was really contemplating going after Jack but she had no idea where he was or what he was doing. Till she had some sense of where he might be she might as well stay put.

It made her a bit uneasy not having him around, partly because she liked to keep track of him after all the stunts he had pulled on her in the past six months she had been working here, "locking her in to keep her safe" was his excuse. Another part of her wanted him around because… because she just liked having him around, he was the only person she could turn to in any given matter. He wasn't half bad to look at either.

"Teri!" called Tony, waking her from her thoughts.

She snapped out of it and looked around in bewilderment for about two seconds before she hurried over to him like a hound waiting for the next order from his master. "What?"

"Ok, I'm gonna ask you for the eleventh time; where is Jack?"

She cast a glance up at Crawford's office. "For the eleventh time; I have no idea. He only told me to cover for him. I thought he was out to get a coffee or something as the coffee you have here tastes like sludge. At best" she added.

"Yeah, well, be that as it may, Jack's been gone for three hours, that's bit long for a cup of coffee, don't you think?"

"Look, Tony, I'm his partner, not his mother. I can't follow his every step, he's a grown man who are pretty capable of taking care of himself."

"Still…" Tony grimaced. "I have a bad feeling."

She took a deep breath. "I know what you mean, I don't like having him out there without knowing where he is or what he's doing either." She cast another glance up at Crawford's office.

She had been working under both Crawford and Chapelle at Division and knew that of the two men Chapelle was the one who took more to looking through the fingers when it came to disappearing from work but he hadn't been the type to take it likely either. Crawford was different and she had no idea what to say if the question came from him about the whereabouts of Jack.

Between the worrying about Jack and the feeling of having to stay made her pretty much caught between a rock and a hard case. Should she follow her gut feeling and go after her partner or should she stay and behave like a good girl, after all she was in pretty much trouble as it was.

As if Tony had read her mind he cast a sideways glance up at the director's office as well. "I think he's sleeping."

"Me too" muttered Teri. "I have been stuck with this stupid case for hours. Personally I think it's an insult to my intelligence."

Tony snorted.

"I'm going after him. I've had this nagging feeling that he needs me."

"In what way?" asked Tony and it was meant as a joke but as the words lingered between them neither felt like it was a joke.

"I have to find him to find out" she replied when her stomach had settled after Tony's question.

"Do you know how to find him?"

"In regard of special agent Jack Bauer I don't trust him further than I can throw him, which is not pretty far judging by size and volume" It was her turn to crack a joke, especially to cover the awkwardness Tony's question had presented her with. "I have been locked in the IT room by him too keep me off a case, he has drugged me to keep me safe so in turn I have put a bug in his car that is linked to my GPS. He's a safe dot on the screen to put it like that."

Tony rubbed his forehead. What these two managed to do to each other… did it have any boundaries? Probably not. "Yeah, well, when he doesn't want to be found you can bet your… behind that you won't find him."

"Yeah, well, I have a knack for finding people who don't want to be found. Till this day I haven't failed to find my marks."

"Good luck!"

"Ye of little faith" she muttered. "It's me, I don't need luck."

In a cabin up at Big Bear had the still form of Jack fallen to the floor. The needle that had sealed his doom lay right next to him under the table.

His eyes were closed and he lay ever so still.

His heart was still beating, his chest rose and fell in tact with his breathing but it was shallow, really shallow.

It could seem as he was fast asleep but he had drifted so far into sleep that he wouldn't wake if he was addressed. He had fallen into a mild coma and there was no way than deeper into coma and then death.

When Teri had stepped into the ladies' room she had heard someone turning their guts inside out and as she stepped out of the stall she noticed that Kim was sitting leaned up against the wall between the basins.

"Hi" she said and tried to smile. She seemed awfully pale.

"So, it was you who tossed your dinner."

"Yeah."

She wanted to tell her to go home but it was not up to her to send people home when they were sick, besides they needed all hands on deck. "Feeling under the weather?"

"Dreadful."

Teri washed and dried her hands. "Tell Crawford that you need to go home, you shouldn't be exposed to stress when you feel like that. You'll get an ulcer at best." She gave her another smile before she left. It was no doubt in her mind that what was the matter with the young woman was a pregnancy. But it was not her job to tell her so because it was none of her business. What was her business was to find Jack. At least she made it her business.

The scenery changed again. Now they were standing on a cemetery. About a hundred yards in front of them were a group of people gathered around an open grave, a coffin was placed above it and slowly lowered into the hole.

He couldn't make out all the faces but he clearly recognized one of the people around the grave as his daughter. A sigh of relief escaped him as he realized that she wasn't the one in the coffin.

"Don't count your blessings just yet, Jack" warned Teri. "Your daughter is still alive but her life has taking a drastic turn for the worse."

He sighed and leaned his head back, not sure he wanted to hear the answer to his question. Hadn't he been through enough? "What do you mean? Who are they burying?"

"Your ex partner, Chase."

He stared at her. "Not him too."

"I'm afraid so. She buried her father, the child she was carrying and now her husband. She has a pretty sad story, poor thing. After you died things grew rapidly worse, your partner Teri died on that rack, Kim fell ill and Chase had to go back to being a field agent to be able to pay all the medical bills and their marriage slowly fell apart. He was shot in the line of duty."

Jack rubbed his face. This was too surreal to him, this could not be the future, this just couldn't. "I can't take this. What of Tony and Michelle and the others, what about them? Everybody can't die from my stupid mistake."

"Michelle got the child your daughter wanted so she quit her job because she wanted to stay home and take care of the kid. Her marriage to Tony fell apart and she left him because he became too preoccupied by his work. First he had lost you and then he lost TC, in his mind he was still in charge and did everything to keep the team together, what little was left of it."

He saw a glimpse of light in the end of the tunnel. "But he's ok?"

"Overworked, that's all. He turned into you, actually. He married CTU instead. He has gotten an ulcer and suffers from insomnia, other than that he's pretty much the same."

The light was a train coming down the track at him. But after the news settled he barked a short laughter. It was so pathetic, so… miserable, melodramatic that it seemed more like a Shakespeare tragedy rather than real life. "Seems farfetched that all this should come from my OD."

"As I said some of this is preordained, what is and what isn't is up to you to find out."

"The event of my death, are you saying that I'm not dead yet?" Was there a possibility that he could turn this around so that he could save TC's life and the rest of his daughter's sanity?

"Not yet but lets be realistic; you ran away to Big Bear to a cabin no one knows you have, no one knows where you have gone. The possibility of you surviving is pretty slim."

"But there's a chance I can survive?" A part of him was hopeful that he could make it but just because he could manage to keep the people close to him alive.

"That's growing smaller by the minute."

"Why me? Why do _always_ I have to be the strong one?!" he all but screamed at her and threw his arms out to show his frustration.

"You took on that part yourself, love. Perhaps not intentionally, but that's how it turned out. Ironic, isn't it? Now you are the one completely dependant on others to survive."

"I never meant to…"

"Meant to what… be the hero? You never meant to take on all those assignments where there were great risk to your life? Bull, Jack. You always loved to play the hero. Now you are the one who needs a hero and who do you think will come through for you when you have pushed everybody else aside? Who will be your savior?"

"TC will come through for me if what you say is true."

She stared at him. "Teri? You can't even say her name because it reminds you of me! What makes you think that she will come through for you? After everything you have done to her, what reason would she have to save you?"

"She values human lives, she values… my life for some reason."

"She cares about you, dumb ass. So does Kim, so does Tony and Michelle. I have no idea why you feel so alone, I don't understand when you are surrounded by people who cares."

"They don't understand…" That was true, he felt like there were not a single person on this planet who really understood him and so they labeled him as a killer, a professional soldier… they didn't see him for what he was nor did they understand the things he did and why he did it.

"What about Teri, does she understand you?"

He hoped she did but he had never taken the time to find out, something he truly regretted now. What if…? What if a lot of things? "I don't know, she trusts me."

"She trusts you and she cares a lot for you."

He sighed. He had been so stupid. Of course she cared, why else would she have saved his life before she even knew him? Why else would she humiliate herself to rush to his side to help him? "I know."

"And you are just taking advantage of that."

"That's not true!" he barked back. "That is _not_ true!" he waved a threatening finger. How dare she judge him. He didn't take advantage of TC, he wouldn't dream of doing something like that.

"What isn't true? What have you ever done for her?"

"We're partners, nothing more. I am not obligated to go through extremities for her."

"Nor have you, she means nothing to you. You only pretended to care about her when you saw her being tormented on the rack!"

"That's not true, that's not true." He shook his head in frustration. If only she knew.

"What isn't true? What feelings do you have for her?"

"Don't push me!" he warned. What the hell had happened to the woman he loved and married? This was not his sweet Teri in front of him. If this was what he had to go to after death he was better off alive.

"Tell me what you feel for her!"


	4. Part 4

Teri looked at the GPS monitor and saw the little blip on the screen that told her exactly where her partner was at the moment, or rather where his car was parked. She smiled at her own cleverness and the fact that now she had him in sight.

Then another thought struck her; what if he knew that she had placed a bug in his car, what if he knew and had ditched the car and taken another one so that he couldn't be traced?

She had no other choice but to follow the one lead that she had and hope for the best.

Right now she had two great worries; one was that she had no idea where she was going because she had never been in these parts before, the second was that darkness was falling fast and she had a in-built fear of driving in the dark because the very same thing had claimed her mother's life when she was no more than nine years old. One unfocused moment was all it took.

Well, she had three counting Jack's position and condition.

For a while she just followed the blip on the screen blindly and ignored everything else but as she was slowly running out of gas and heading into unfamiliar territory she saw no other choice but to stop at a gas station for a refill and directions.

She stopped at what looked more like a condemned hut rather than a gas station, with two shabby looking guys by a pickup following her every move.

Teri was no fool, she was never scared of people but she had a almost scary knack of knowing what was going to happen before it did, she also knew what people were planning just by looking at them. It was only ice cold people who gave nothing away she couldn't predict the actions of, people like Jack Bauer.

She knew the two guys were up to no good and so she locked the car down. The equipment in the car was worth far more than she earned a whole year.

The manager looked up as she stepped into the gas station. "Good evening, ma'am" said the man.

"Good evening, sir" she replied in pure British. Why the hell she had decided to speak British only her subconscious could tell but she had started the game she might as well continue. "I'm afraid I'm a bit lost. I have to continue up that road" She pointed. "But I have no idea what's up there."

"Snow" replied the man dully.

She elevated an eyebrow. Snow in these parts? "Snow?"

"Snow, animals, mountain, nature, cabins."

She nodded. "I see." But why the hell would he have ran away to a cabin in the middle of nowhere and more importantly; what was he running from?

"That's a GMC, isn't it?"

She turned and looked out the filthy windows at her car. "Yes."

"Yukon XL, right?"

"Right."

"You should put some chains on those wheels."

"I think I'll be just fine." She turned her back on him and got the things she thought she might need before she returned and paid for that and the gas before she went back outside.

There she found the two men ogling her car. "May I help your gentlemen?"

"Quite a car you've got there" said one of them.

Jeez, hadn't these guys seen a car like that before or what? "Thank you" she replied as she silently thanked higher forces for black windows. If these guys had seen the state of the art computer in her car they would have stolen it before she had the ability to blink.

They stepped away from the car. "Have a nice drive, lady."

She just smiled in turn before she unlocked the car and got in. Now she knew what the two men wanted and it almost turned her stomach.

Teri was what one could call a petite woman and between jobs when she was herself she could seem as a easy target but looks could be deceiving. Thank God, she thought.

Apparently the two men thought that she was just another tourist who no one would miss, a small woman they could easily overpower and have their way with. Oh, how very wrong they were.

Teri was a professional and the fact that people thought her to be harmless only proved how well she did her job but she was a well trained CTU agent who could easily kill another person if she felt forced to do so, she could also easily immobilize others at close hand without using any type of weapon but her own body.

But the two men didn't know that.

She would let them be if they let her be. But judging by what she saw in their eyes, the unmistakable hunger, she knew that they would be back. Yeah, they would be back on a deserted road where there were no witnesses.

Of course she could have flashed her badge and told them to bugger off but that was never her style, she hardly ever brought her badge with her anyway. She could have flashed her gun and told them to leave her be but she saw that as a sign of weakness in a woman, to have to rely on a gun to make people leave her alone. Besides, her gun was in the car.

She got in and turned the key in the ignition. She was well away from the gas station before she turned the monitor back on.

Jack sat down on a gravestone but he couldn't feel himself doing so, something that oddly enough didn't surprise him. He had felt less and less over the years so that he couldn't feel the cold stone against his butt or the soft rain against his face didn't bother him.

"Tell me what you feel for her, Jack."

"What difference does it make?"

"All the difference in the world. Is it really that difficult to say that you care about her?"

Care about her? Care about her? It was so much deeper than care. "What if I do? What if I don't?"

"If you do, why haven't you shown her? If you don't, why have you taken advantage of her?"

"I'm not taking advantage of her" he muttered dully.

"You keep saying that but you have given little or no proof of your feelings for her."

He jumped to his feet. "You want proof? You want to know what I feel for her?" She had pushed him a bit too far. "I love her! yeah, you heard right; I _love_ her! I can't go a day without seeing her face, looking into those green eyes. I feel frustrated if I have to go one day without her. I need her, I'm addicted to her, I'm fascinated by her. That's your God damn truth!"

"At least now you told the truth." She seemed indifferent and that pissed him off even more but kept a calm exterior. "Why do you love her?"

He wanted to tell her to drop dead but kept himself from it. "Why I love her?"

"Yes, you can't just say that you love someone without giving a reason."

"I love her because I have never seen anyone like her, she is so tough but yet so fragile, so emotional." He smiled as he thought about it. It was true what he said. "She is impulsive and… I love her because she's her, is that good enough? It will take too long to list all her qualities."

"You seem in love." She smiled. "I know about your feelings for Teri. I know everything that goes on. I just wanted to hear it from you. It started as a fascination and lead to pretty strong emotions. Why don't you tell her, I'm sure that she will welcome your feelings."

"I think so too, that's the problem."

She frowned. "How is that a problem?"

"Don't you understand? I need her, I can't loose her."

She shook her head and shrugged. "I fail to see the problem."

"If I tell her… she'll be left vulnerable because I love her."

"How?"

"If people find out they can use her to get to me, I can't put her through that."

"Jack…"

"I can't loose her like I lost you, I can't go through that again."

"Jack, living is about taking risks and standing by what you believe in. You can't be afraid of taking chances, if you do you have no idea what you might miss out on."

He shook his head. He couldn't risk her getting hurt, he cared too much about her to risk it. Happiness set aside, he had to look at the whole picture, all the possibilities.

"We're getting to the root of your problem, Jack. Just hang in there and a solution will present itself, you just have to find it."

"If I die, could you make someone tell her what I feel about her?"

"Why does it always take extreme situations to open your eyes? With a little effort you'll soon be able to tell her that yourself. She's on her way."

Teri yawned and blinked hard to stay awake. She had been wrong and the gas station manager had been right regarding the snow. But it wasn't enough with snow on the ground, it was slapping against the windshield like window washers in the Bronx. With the darkness and the snow it was hard for her to stay awake.

She turned on the radio for help to stay awake but only hard rock and some real loud crap screamed back at her so she switched it off and while she did so she took her eyes off the road for s split second. But a split second is often all it takes, as it did now.

Suddenly she slammed into something and the car spun out of control. With some effort she managed to regain control of the car, only to get stuck in the snow on the side of the road.


	5. Part 5

The signal horn sounded and she snapped back to reality. Slowly her breathing and pulse returned to normal as the scare she had received became more distant to her. But the adrenaline rush was replaced by another growing feeling; aggravation.

She knew she had hit something living before she lost control of the car, she only hoped that what ever creature it was that it had died instantly but she couldn't rely on that.

"Damn it!" she muttered after regaining her American accent and took out her gun from the glove compartment before she got out of the car. One look at the icy cold and wet mess she had gotten herself into seemed like an impossible barrier. "Son of a-" She took a deep breath, the air so much colder here than LA and she was really not dressed for this weather.

But in the back of the car was a blanket and a blanket was better than nothing against the cold so she grabbed the blanket to discover a black medical bag underneath it.

For a moment she just stared at it. She knew who it belonged to and why it was there, it belonged a friend of hers, a friend who was one medical bag short. But it was she who had managed to forget it in the car, not her.

She looked up at the sky and released a deep breath. "You are really not liking me, are you?" she muttered to no one in particular before she wrapped the blanket around herself, cocked the gun and went to find her victim.

About thirty yards further down the road was the snow dotted with blood and something had tried to crawl to safety judging by the tracks in the snow.

She wiped her face before she followed the tracks.

"She's coming for me?" a part of him was glad and another part of him had completely given up and was indifferent. It was not the first time he had felt like a walking contradiction.

"Of course she is but there will be some obstacles in her way so we'll have some more time to discuss this."

"What kind of obstacles?"

"You'd better not know."

"What will happen to her?" A slight panic was in his voice.

"Focus on yourself, Jack. She is well capable of taking care of herself. You need to figure out what your real problem is. why are you depressed? Why did you OD?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do."

He shook his head. Why did she continue pushing him like that? "Then tell me?"

"Is it really that hard to see? You have life, well, you have a existence. Normal people have lives, you can too if you risk grabbing it."

It was too true that he had no life, his entire life went into his work. It was more like he was existing rather than living. "It's too dangerous a risk. I can't drop my guard down."

"No one is saying that you have to drop your guard, you just have to risk to go out there. Do you know what your problem really is?"

He shook his head even though he knew what she was about to say. He wasn't quite sure if he agreed with her or not.

"You're coward."

He stared at her. "A coward?"

"Being a coward is keeping you from the things you want. You didn't use to be so cheap on emotions, nor were you scared of voicing your opinions or your views and emotions. Now you have completely shut down and retracted into your shell like a hermit crab."

"I may be many things but a coward… I have put my ass on the line more than once."

"That is not what I'm talking about and you know damn well. I'm not saying that you are acting like a schoolboy before the senior prom, afraid to ask your heart throb to the dance. You are a coward because you don't take _personal_ risks anymore. The only way for you to get out of this mess is to start living. You're not a colt anymore, do you really want to live with the choices you have made and say that you were proud of making them?"

"So, what you are saying is that I have to tell TC that I love her?"

"There's a lot of things you have to do but that's not one of them. You have to acknowledge your feelings and dare to trust others or you will die a very lonely and miserable man. If you manage to survive tonight. Teri is only a small part of the picture. You have to look at everything. Get involved with your daughter's life, help out with the wedding, show that you are supportive. Dare to trust your friends, it works both ways, you know. Let go of the fear of getting hurt, let go of the fear of hurting others but don't deliberately hurt them."

Her words made sense to him. Perhaps he should try to let go for once. But how would he manage to get back? What did it take for him to survive?

As if she heard his thoughts she offered him her hand. "Come with me " she said.

Teri found the stag a few yards away from the road and started for it. Her shoes filled up with snow but she managed to ignore it.

The majestic creature turned its head and looked at her before it released a pained sound.

Teri raised her gun. "I'm sorry, I really am" she told the animal she knew had never hurt a soul before she squeezed the trigger. The penetrating sound of the gun rung in her ears and scared some small birds to wings.

For a heartbeat there was no sound at all other than her breathing before she stuck the gun in the waistband on her pants at the back and went back to the car.

"Son of a bitch!" she called and kicked the car as she realized that it was impossible to get it free of the snow. But she wasn't the type to give up without a fight so she tried to shuffle snow away with her bare hands. After a while she realized that it was too cold for her.

She leaned up against the car. "Someone upstairs is really not liking me" she muttered before she blew on her hands to get some warmth back into them.

Teri was in a pretty tight position but that didn't mean that she didn't have any options. She had two options but neither of them was appealing; she could either disconnect and take the part of the tracking system that traced Jack and follow the bleep on foot or she could continue fighting back the snow.

Both options demanded a lot of her time and so neither of them appealed much to her.

It was a third; she could sit down and cry over the desperate situation she was in but that was not like her, nor was it like her to stay put when it was a risk that she might freeze to death.

"Fuck that" she muttered and wrapped the blanket tighter around herself and grabbed what she needed before she locked the car down and went on foot. She would _kill_ Jack if he wasn't at the end of the road she was now taking.

They were back at the cabin and Jack saw himself for the first time during this ludicrous experience and it was like someone had punched him in the face. Seeing himself lying motionless on the floor sent a wave of emotions through him that he couldn't explain. While it felt like he had received a punch in the face it also felt like he had swallowed a bucket of ice cubes. His knees felt strangely weak and he had an urge to throw up.

"Yeah, it's really you" Teri told him. "Go ahead if you think it's just a fantasy."

He looked at her before he looked at the body, his body, in front of him. Like a deer navigates carefully across the frozen lake he approached… himself. Just now he realized just how surreal this was.

"You don't have much time left" Teri explained to him.

He ignored what she said and crouched down and touched the body. Suddenly he panicked, seeing that empty shell in front of him, feeling how cold it was and knowing that the end was drawing nearer truly created a whirlwind of emotions. "How?"

"It's easy. All you have to do is to let go of me for once, then you have to want to live. You have to truly want it, more than anything else. It's not enough to fear death, you have to hate it, fight it, conquer it and embrace life. Fight, Jack, fight. I can't help you any more." Suddenly she vanished.


	6. Part 6

"Why the hell did I leave Florida?" muttered Teri as she continued through the snow, with nothing else to follow but her determination and a bleep on the screen. Her feet felt like they had frozen solid in her spike heeled shoes but she kept on going.

The flashlight gave her some help in the darkness but she was completely lost, she didn't know the terrain or the place she was at.

Suddenly she heard the distinct sound of a car engine and thought she was safe. Perhaps she could hitch a ride up to what ever cabin Jack was at.

But as the car drew nearer she recognized it as the tired old pickup the two men at the gas station had been standing by and she knew that she was heading into trouble.

"What took you so long, boys?" she muttered as she made sure that her gun was right where she had put it.

The pickup got up alongside her and pulled to a halt. One of the men stuck his head out the window. "Problems, lady? We saw your car down the road."

"Yes, it broke down" Her British had returned.

"Well, get in, we'll take you to wherever you are going."

She took the offer.

Tony looked at his wrist watch and then up at Crawford's office. It was essential that the buffoon didn't find out what was going on.

"Relax, will you? You're making me nervous" muttered Michelle.

"First Jack and now Teri leaving without a trace. We have lost track of two of our best agents."

"Yes, everything is back to normal, isn't it?" She gave him a reassuring smile. "You shouldn't doubt Teri and you certainly shouldn't doubt Jack."

"What if he had fallen back on his addiction? What if he had gone somewhere to get a fix and is in some kind of trouble he can't get out of? It's just like him to do something like that. In the meantime he has probably lead Teri on a wild goose chase."

"They can handle themselves and if Jack really has fallen back on his addiction it's safe to say that he'll be booted out."

Tony just sighed and went back to work. "If they don't show up within the next hour I'm sending a chopper after her."

She wondered when the two men would strike and about ten minutes up the road they did. The driver stopped the car and she stared at him, deciding that it was best to play stupid, naive tourist. "What's going on?"

The next she knew that she was looking into the muzzle of a 357' revolver, something she hadn't counted on and so the surprise was on her.

"Get out" the man told her.

Calm as could be she muttered "yes" and elevated her hands as she got out. Her mind was racing as she tried to figure out what to do without having to hurt the two men. Too badly anyway.

"Check if someone is coming" driver told the other one and off the guy went.

"Give me your car keys" said the man as the other one walked off.

Here was her chance. "Sure, here you go" she said and tossed him the key chain where it hung.

As the guys focus was directed on the keys she launched a kick at his arm, knocking the gun out of it but his finger squeezed the trigger in the process and a shot was fired.

Jack stared at the door as he clearly heard a gun being fired. What the hell was going on? He dismissed it as hunters and focused on the still form of himself again.

He sunk down against the wall and buried his face in his hands. He did want to live, at least a part of him did. A part of him wanted to follow Teri's advice but another part of him continuously whispered to him that he couldn't trust anyone, that he was completely alone in the world and that it was the way it had to be.

It had sounded so easy, to just let go of his fears and his paranoia but now when he faced the choice he still couldn't determine the path.

As long as there was a shred of doubt he couldn't be saved.

He heard a car engine and got to his feet.

Teri parked the pickup outside the cabin and got out. His car was there and there were footprints in the snow but they had nearly been drowned by the fresh snow coming down from the sky. He was here.

She opened the door to the cabin and shook the blanket. It was almost as cold in there as it had been outside. "I found you!" she called out. "And for all the troubles you have managed to put me through for one day you have no idea how deep shit you're in."

It was dead quiet.

"You have no idea how much I've been through trying to find you." She continued into the cabin. "You're in so much…" She saw a pair of boots sticking out between the couch and the table. "Trouble" she finished as she rounded the corner and saw the boots leading up to a pair of legs.

"Jack!" she called and threw herself down over him and gently slapped his face. When she didn't get any respond she checked for a pulse. It was terribly weak. "Christ! Jack!" she called again before she started searching for any wounds on him but before she got too far in the process she noticed the syringe underneath the table and knew.

"Jack, no" she muttered and tried to turn him over to open his air passages better. Having done that she reached for her cell phone with shaky hands. She was starting to panic and quickly hit one of her speed dials.

It took a few seconds before there was a reply. "Holly" she said in to the phone with a desperate voice filled with tears. "I need your help."

"Honey, what's the matter?" said the worried voice in the other end.

"It's- it's my partner, I think he's taken an overdose, I think he's dying. I don't know what to do."

"You have my medical bag, don't you?"

"I'm sorry, I never meant to take it, it was just forgotten in the car. Look, he's going to die. I need help." She looked at Jack. "I can't loose him, Hol."

"You won't! Now listen. Do you have the bag?"

"Yes" She closed her eyes as a tear ran down her cheek.

"In the bag there are a lot of different drugs, one of those drugs are epinephrine."

"Adrenaline" muttered Teri and dropped the phone before she rushed to the car to get the bag. Thank God she had brought it with her in case someone should come across the car and steal it. She hurried back inside.

Jack had seen the reaction on her face as she saw his still body and recognized it as shock. He saw as the shock was replaced with fear and pain and felt really moved by it.

But it wasn't before he saw the tears that he felt a lump in his throat. How could he ever have doubted her, how could he ever have thought her to be the enemy.

He watched as she made a phone call and rushed out of the cabin to return with a medical bag. He wanted to say something but knew that no sound would reach her ear.

Instead he continued watching as she brought the phone back up to her ear and filled a syringe with a clear liquid he just knew was epinephrine. He saw her inject it into his arm and started giving him CPR.

"It's not working" she said into the phone. Then there was a short pause. "W-what?" she said in shock and started fumbling in the black bag.

The needle she pulled out had to be the largest needle Jack had ever seen.

"What do I do?" The reply was given and a short moment later she stabbed the needle into his heart and emptied the syringe. She continued giving him CPR and he just watched.

He just had no idea what to do. He wanted to live, he did, so why wasn't he alive, in his body.

He watched her face as it turned in desperation, her motions becoming more frantic as it was clear that there was no response.

"Live!" she demanded before she blew air into his lungs. "Live, please!" Now she was begging as she tried to get his heart going again.

The sound of a rib cracking broke the monotone sound of her whimpers. "Oh, God" she muttered and withdrew her hands for a short moment.

"Don't die on me, please!" her tears ran down her cheeks and onto his face and now Jack really had problems controlling his emotions.

"I want to live" he said. "I want to live! Put me back! Please…" It pained him to see her in so much pain and knowing that he was the one who had caused it. He felt moved by her compassion and the clear display of love.

He got no reply. Didn't anybody care about the pain he was in?

"Don't die on me, you son of a bitch!" she cried out and started banging on his chest in a mixture of anger, pain and frustration. Then she collapsed onto his chest and clutched his face. "Please" she begged one last time.

He couldn't hold the tears back anymore. He wanted so badly to comfort her, to hold her and say that everything would be ok. He wanted to rock her like a child in his arms and caress her hair, to keep her safe. But if he couldn't do so in life, he would do so in death.

He crawled on all four over to her and placed his hand on hers.


	7. Part 7

Five minutes, ten… she had no idea how long she had been crying on Jack's chest but she raised her head as she heard the distinct sound of a chopper. She rushed to her feet and ran out of the cabin with the blanket. On the doorstep she started waving the blanket like a flag, trying to signal the chopper to land.

The light from the chopper blinded her for a moment and was directed just in front of the feet and descended as if the pilot had found something he had been looking for.

When the chopper was safely on the ground she ran over to it and for the first time saw that the chopper belonged to CTU.

"Thank you, Tony" she said softly because she knew it was him who had sent her that chopper, who else knew?

"What's going on?" asked the pilot.

"There's an agent down, I need your help" she told him and tried to keep a calm, steady voice but no matter how much effort she put into it her fear of loosing Jack shone through.

"What's his condition?" asked another man coming out of the chopper with a medical bag.

"Unconscius, his hearbeat is faint and his breathing shallow. I have tried to give him adrenaline but there is no response. I even injected it directly into his heart." She sounded professional but she felt as far from it as possible. A professional would have been able to help Jack.

"Ok, stay back, we'll take care of it."

It turned out that there had been four men in the chopper; two agents and two medical personel. They even had a crash cart with them. Tony had seriously taken repercussions… or had he known that something like this would happen?

It pained Teri to be placed on the sideline but she was forced to stay out of their way as they tried to revive him so she was left outside the cabin with another agent. She leaned up against the wall and looked up at the sky.

"It's going to be ok" said the agent as fumbly as a baby taking its first steps. It was clear that the man hadn't been in this type of situation before.

She smiled at him but it wasn't the confident, almost arrogant smile she gave suspects and terrorists nor was a compassionate smile. It was the type of smile a widow offered the condolences at her husband's funeral.

But Jack wasn't her husband… but her feelings for him were still strong. She was completely dependant on him. She, who had trusted and relied on no one but herself was depending on someone so strong as she was depending on Jack. The mere thought would have sounded absurd to her a year ago.

As she sat down on the hood of Jack's car she thought back on the time they had spent together and no matter how much she twisted and turned her mind she could not understand when and how he had gotten this strange power over her.

First she had been captivated by the air of confidence he had displayed, he had been almost fearless and even though his life had been threatened in so many ways on that assignment he had never shown any sign of fear or doubt and he had done his job thouroughly and flawlessly.

A month later she had been transferred to CTU and had been partnered up with him, something he hadn't been all too happy with but somewhere down the line they had grown to respect and care about each other.

Was the feelings they had for each other of sexual nature? She couldn't respond to that because she had never really thought about it. Of course it was fun to image certain things but the question hadn't really come up since their first case together. Until now.

Standing out in the cold with nothing else to do than send silent prayers that he would make it and think about what her true feelings really were for him.

She loved him, she really did. If he died she was sure she would quit her job because she wouldn't loose another friend.

No, Jack wasn't a friend. He wasn't just a friend, he was a friend, he was someone who understood her and came through for her no matter what the odds or the consequence, he was someone she could turn to with any given problem. He was her life so he couldn't die, he just couldn't. If he died she would have no life anymore, she would just exist.

It seemed like a lifetime before they finally put him into the chopper and with a little whimper she made to follow but was pushed back.

"I'm sorry, agent Lancaster, there's no room in the chopper."

_Now_ she was getting desperate. "You can't shut me out." She pressed her palms to her forehead. "You can't." She started crying in despair. "He needs me, I can't turn my back on him."

"There's nothing more you can do for him now" the agent said.

She stared at him with pleading eyes. "Then please tell me how he's doing."

The agent chewed the inside of his cheek. He wasn't sure if he should tell her anything because she looked like she could fall apart any minute. But he also knew that she needed the information. "It's critical (a gasp escaped her as he said this) but he's stabile. If we can get him to a hospital in time he might have a chance but we have to go now."

She ran over to the car as the chopper took off.

"Yeah, got it" said Tony into the phone before he hung up.

"What is it?" asked Michelle when she saw Tony's exasperated expression.

Tony cast a glance at Kim, he didn't want her to hear this, before he lowered his voice to his wife. "Jack's taken an overdose, they're flying him to Mercy hospital as we speak."

She stared at him. "You're joking."

"I wish I were. I knew we shouldn't have taken his addiction likely. I just knew it!" He slammed the desk with his flat hand.

Several pairs of eyes fell on him.

"Back to work" he muttered to them.

Most people returned to their own thoughts and cases after Tony's tiny anger tantrum but there were still a pair of eyes that watched him like a Doberman Pincher, ready to sniff out any kind of trouble and perhaps report it to Crawford.

"Jack's condition is stabile but critical. But the medical personel said that because of the cold up there the process had been slowed down, there's a slight chance they'll actually manage to keep him alive but they need to get his body temperature up in order to manage that."

"Cloe's staring" warned Michelle.

"Let her stare. We can't look through the fingers at this anymore, I'm afraid he'll loose his job after this." He released a deep sigh because he didn't want to make troubles for Jack, not after all the effort the man had put into keeping him out of jail after what happened with Saunders and the Cordilla virus.

"Just do the right thing" whispered Michelle. "It's not my place to rat him out, I'm not the one handling this. Do what you think is right, whatever that may be."

"You don't think I should, do you?"

"It's not my call. All I am saying is that if he pulls through and you decide to sing out about his problem CTU will loose a good agent. Perhaps two."

"What do you mean?"

"Think about it; if Jack is fired someone else will walk in protest and I think you know who I mean."

"Teri."

"Perhaps you should think about all the options. Personally I would probably have suggested that he would be forced to retire long ago, for his own good but now I don't think that's a good idea because Teri will leave as well. I know her, she gets what she wants no matter what's in her way."


	8. Part 8

The doctors had said that it was a miracle that Jack had been able to survive up on the mountain and that they had a string of pretty good luck.

But that didn't comfort Teri much as her friend and partner was still hanging on the best he could and he hadn't reached conciousness yet but his temperature had rised a lot so it was pretty close to normal now.

And there was another problem; what about the overdose? When the toxicology report the doctor was working on came back Jack was in really big trouble 'cause he would most certainly loose his job.

So, all in all this was a no-win situation for her. She had managed to save his life but she would still loose him. In this situation she couldn't threaten to walk either because the evidence was too hard and she had managed to step on so many toes on her way to the top that people would like to see her leave.

But what Teri didn't know was that her partner and friend had been granted a second chance with completely clean sheets.

She sat by his side and held his hand in hers to warm it and to hold on to him, to know that he was still with her, still breathing, still alive. All the time she watched his face for any sign of him waking up. She didn't even notice the doctor entering the room.

"You should go home."

She jumped as the sound of the doctor's voice filled the room because she thought that she was alone in the room with Jack but she didn't turn around.

"You've been here most of the night, you should go home and get some rest."

She shook her head. "I won't leave him."

The doctor smiled at her back. "You know that usually only family is allowed here at this time of night and then in extreme cases."

"And I know I can shoot your kneecaps out if you try to throw me out" she muttered. She turned around at him to make sure that he had understood that it was a joke. "The only family he has is his daughter and I'm not about to call her down here in the middle of the night."

"You are very loyal to your partner. What was he doing up on that mountain anyway?"

Teri frowned. This doctor should know about the OD, he had been the one treating Jack. "Ehm… I don't follow."

"Why would someone go all the way up there just to freeze solid?"

"He took an overdose of Heroin, I have no idea why-"

"Heroin?" repeated the doctor with raised eyebrows and a weak smile on his face as if the woman in front of him had just told him that small green martians were attacking. He looked at her like she was imagening things. "His blood analysis came back clean."

"W-what?" She didn't belive what she heard. It couldn't possibly have left his system this fast.

"There was nothing wrong with him other than serious hypothermia. Look, I have to go now. Take care." The doctor left the room.

Teri stared at Jack in bewilderment. She had no idea how but he had managed to keep clear of trouble again. Then she cracked into a huge smile as relief overwhelmed her. She wouldn't loose him after all.

Jack woke up in the hospital bed and for a moment he had no idea where he was but as his surroundings finally came into focus he understood where he was. But it took a moment longer to remember why.

He managed after a short while to piece together fragments of last night, the out-of-body-experience and the fantasies. Or had it just been fantasies? That was what his rational brain told him but his heart told him otherwise.

Last night had been too real and he had been painfully close to die. But he was still here and as he cast a glance at the still form sitting next to him on a chair with her head resting on his bed he smiled. She had really come through for him.

He had no recollection of the images he had been shown about the future, he only remembered some of the words. He remember seing her next to his unconscius body, crying and again he got a lump in his throat as he was moved again by her compassion for him.

The smile still played on his lips as he reached out and gently pushed her hair away from her face.

She didn't wake but she stirred and released a soft moan. She had to have been up all night watching over him. It would be selfish of him to wake her but he just had to see her face, he had to see those sparkling eyes and that smile again.

"Teri" he said in a hushed voice.

She finally opened her eyes and looked up at him. "Jack!" Her face cracked into a smile.

He was safe now. He was safe now as she took him in her arms and kissed his forehead. He was safe and well taken care of but deep in his gut he knew that he had to protect this woman in return because he knew that if he didn't he would loose her.

He had no idea how he knew this, he just knew.

But for now everything was just how it should be.

The End

For now…

Merry Christmas!


End file.
